It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
You Might Also Like
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
all bases covered
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
HR said no more nunchucks.