‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*