‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.