I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
saving face 👀
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.