In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
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Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,