@TuffyNyC: It's nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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@trevso_electric: Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
@TheEighthKnight: Me: I have a huge crush on this girl. Him: What’s her name? Me: I’m not telling you. Him: What does it start with at least? Me: @
@grimpossible: "Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we're giving you up for adoption."