It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
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kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??