It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet