It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️