It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
How do you like your Corgi?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.