It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Every time.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn