It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.