It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
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Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔