It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
You Might Also Like
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.