It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Hard not to take this personally
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
New favorite tiktok
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.