It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.