It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
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Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Yes