Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
adam and eve had first world problems
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out