Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I just tested negative for patience.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.