*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.