@jergarl: It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states.
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@bourgeoisalien: [robber breaks into my house] i always knew you'd come for me, my darling. where are you going
@WilliamAder: Do those "selfie sticks" retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
@joe_binkley: (Cargo pants filled with tater tots) "How many do I need to get an Xbox?" "Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"
@INDlAN_: *lost in China* Friend: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn F: well? Me: we’re in China