Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
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SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.