It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
You Might Also Like
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
no!! no!!!!!!
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
If a snake ate a cake
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.