It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!