It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
You Might Also Like
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆