It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.