It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point