It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.