It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.