It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“That’s what” – She
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I love art.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters