It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
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I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Meow