It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich