When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
That’s amazing.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25