Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
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me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Who does Amazon think I am?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Seems kinda suspicious
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers