It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
You Might Also Like
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Ion see the issue
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!