It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I’ve been learning to cook.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience