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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots