building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
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friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio