@LoveNLunchmeat: It's not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
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@TheDoorTHEDOOR: An app that detects itself running on other people's phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
@tastefactory: I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there's a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
@welone1: Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She's a mile away and you've got her shoes.
@CerebralWreck: Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear? Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.