@LoveNLunchmeat: It's not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
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@themiltron: [God creating the ocean] GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere. ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they— GOD: Make it undrinkable.
@Lunatic_times: I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
@Purpell_Nurpell: People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I've never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
@tastefactory: [on plane] Me: It's ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I'm a hippo btw Me: Nooooo