It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
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I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
The happy life.. 😊
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”