It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
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Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.