It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
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My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.