It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
OH. COME. ON.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?