@samalmightysam: It's not karma, you're just an idiot.
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@KatMcSnatch: Tip for twitter newbies: Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
@blopt: My parents are middle aged. "Mine are to-" [parents burst through bedroom door on horses] "CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?"
@omerwahaj: I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
@joejwest: ME: Eat your lemon PIRATE: No ME: It stops scurvy PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye] ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon] PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]