It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Spring of Deception
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.