It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Steam Forums
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh