they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
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Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.