[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.