When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI