It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Fiction has to make sense.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission