It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Mouse
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Cats are still liquid.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Yes, this is exactly right
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure