If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me