It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
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I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.