It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
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My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Same pineapple, same
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.